


Rip-Off Merchants

by WhenIFindLoveAgain



Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [26]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Restaurant, Babies, British Comedy, Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fruit, Funny, Happy, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Mates, Restaurants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:20:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26405632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIFindLoveAgain/pseuds/WhenIFindLoveAgain
Summary: New Dad Vernon can cope with a lot of things; monstrous nappies, colic, late-night feeds, bubba music, but, the one thing he cannot stand is having to buy American grapes in Cambridge, England, for nearly ten quid. Joshua and Seokmin lend a ear as Vernon hilariously rants about the co-ok, the Chinese, Brexit, and, how to keep babies happy
Relationships: Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Lee Seokmin | DK, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Original Female Character(s), Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Seokmin | DK
Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678627
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	Rip-Off Merchants

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite a sweet, light-hearted work. I hope you like it, I've never given Vernon a baby before :)

"This is cocking ridiculous." Vernon came through the front door of Joshua's cafe and restaurant - the two modes changing through the daylight hours - his baby daughter Anna wrapped up in a hammock scarf to his chest. The two month old peered interestedly over his shoulder as the bell above the door tinkled, and, then, rested her head against his chest, looking down to the ground and her Dad's feet as he walked. Behind the counter at one end of the cafe, one of Joshua's best mates, Seokmin, nudged his side.

"Your husband's come home, then." He beamed happily.

"What's ridiculous?" Joshua asked, refraining from saying "cocking" in front of the baby Anna. Shrugging off his denim jacket, Vernon un-wrapped the scraf that was carrying Anna from around his being and gave the wrapped up baby to Seokmin. 

Vernon's life had changed dramatically a year ago when he found out that his on-off girlfriend Lily was pregnant. She had planned to have an abortion, and, Joshua had comforted the crying Vernon in his restaurant after he had locked up, staying close to him for ages. None of them could imagine the grief of someone you sort of loved killing what was going to be your shared child in a manner that was just purely spite. Lily had said at the time she was fine with having babies, just not Vernon's. Joshua had wanted to kill her for that. In the end, Lily had not gone through with the abortion, and, had given birth to Anna, but not without complications. Anna came two months premature, with a not-properly-formed heart and wet lung. At this point in time, and thinking that Anna wasn't around, Vernon had left Korea where he had been in University and had settled in Cambridge in the UK where Joshua had ended up. Despite both been born in America, everyone saw their monolids first and everything for them - even the basic things such as work - was horrifically hard to find. In the end, Joshua stated it better than anyone:

"Anglo-Americans are cunts."

Englang had been a dream; Vernon couldn't believe how good he and Joshua had things.

Then, two months ago, Vernon's Dad who lived in Korea after seperating but not divorcing Vernon's American Mother, rang him up and told him, "You won't believe what's happened."

As a result, Vernon ended up with full custody of Anna, and, Lily appeared to be delighted to give up the baby. It broke Vernon's heart on behalf of Anna that her Mother wanted nothing to do with her, but, as Joshua said, "We always thought she was a cow."

But, as the story went, babies change everything.

Seokmin cooed and played with Anna who smiled toothlessly in his arms, her little hands touching his chin and nose. Anna had been enamoured with her Dad and Uncle's Joshua and Seokmin the moment she had come to England, their case having been given special treatment by the British and Korean DHHS due to the compelxity. And, they were all enamoured with her. Seokmin, who worked in the private childcare sectre, looked after Anna for a few hours a week so Vernon could do his job in assisting record production at a Cambridge based company that published Indie-Rock music and was worth, on average, an extra million pounds every six months. Everything was perfect; yes, tiring, getting up in the middle of the night, nappies, all of those things, but, there was no such thing as perfection without working oneself, and having others work as well.

"Grapes." Vernon said to Joshua, slipping his jacket back on. "You know how all the fruit's been crap because of BREXIT - it's all rotted before it leaves Europe and by the time it gets here it's growing mould?"

Joshua nodded. He had had heaps of trouble with his suppliers, and, as a consequence, had been stranded into a North Welsh couple came into his shop and he found out through them that their daughter's in-laws were farmers and conservators of about thirty different things, all food related. It was a bit more expensive, but, all his customers seemed more enthused about things - absolutely fucking amazingly - that came from Wales rather than France or Belgium. God bless the Taffy's, Joshua often thought.

"Well, they had these beautiful grapes - most beautiful grapes you've seen for months, right? - in the co-op down the street, from California, for £7.50!!!" Vernon scoffed. Joshua burst out laughing. "Seven and a half quid for fucking grapes!" Vernon exclaimed. "And everyone says the bubba formula is getting dear at nine quid a tin because all the Chinese are buying it up."

Joshua nodded. Most of the baby formula in Britain came from Tasmania in Australia, that had been Australian owned and ran for the past seventy years...until the Chinese offered them an astronomical £60,000,000 or something of the likes for it, and bought up the industry. 

"They fucking own everything, these days." Vernon complained. "If it's not the Yanks -" Since moving to the UK, Joshua and Vernon had really naturally adopted the British way of speaking, including their derogative terms for Americans. "It's the Chinese." Joshua said the last three words in sync with Vernon. For the next five minutes, Joshua kept laughing as Vernon ranted about his beloved grapes. Joshua often told Vernon he should be a comedian rather than a record producer.

"Where they red or green grapes?" Joshua asked, crossing his forearms and resting them on his counter.

"Green." Vernon scowled.

Joshua cackled. Green grapes were Vernon's favourite. Vernon went into the restaurant space as Seokmin called out to Vernon, and, at the same time, a couple of customers for Joshua's cafe came in.

After a little while, Joshua went out into the restaurant to see Seokmin have a fit of hysterical laughing, laying on the rug in the coffee lounge area with Anna laying on his chest and and cuddling into him. "What's going on?" Joshua asked.

Seokmin managed to say that Vernon had written a poem about the grapes.

Joshua snorted a laugh. "Oh, really?" He said. Vernon gave Joshua his phone; he had typed it up in the notes app:

RIP-OFF MERCHANTS:

And upon seeing the sight of these beautiful grapes

Your eldest mate's jaw hung agape

"Fucking brilliant!" I thought

For yourself and Dad must be distraught

Waiting ages and ages and ages for me

To make a decision in a supermarket owned by freemasons

After prodding and poking the grapes and testing their firm hardness

The decision to devour them was utterly paramount, if full of tardiness

Alas! I saw the cocking price!

My brains went like dice!

Roll about, roll about

"Fuck this." I thought, very a-stout

And, so, with bitter thoughts of Australian farmers

I left that bloody market with the sincere wish that harm do come to this prats

Who chew tobacco in their fields and behave like twats

Joshua laughed. "Oh my God..." He said, giving Vernon's back to him. "Fuckin' love you, but you're a nutcase, you know that right?" He ruffled up Vernon's hair and went back into his cafe, holding his head in his hand.

Vernon and Seokmin heard Joshua murmured under his breath, the now to be famous lines:

"Alas! I saw the cocking price!

My brains went like dice!"

"Hey, bae..." Vernon got down onto the floor beside Seokmin and bopped Anna's nose. Anna's baby face scrunched up cutely and she made a cooing sound, all baby noises.

"She really is the sweetest little thing." Seokmin told Vernon. 

"VERN!!!" Joshua shouted. Vernon went into to see what was wrong. Joshua was grinning from ear to ear. "Read the poem about the grapes to the ladies and gents..." Joshua gestured to his now packed cafe, and, pulled out his phone to film. Vernon, sitting up on the serving counter, did as Joshua requested, and, was left with a huge applause at the end.

The next day, the Co-op down the street had reduced the price of their grapes from £7.50 to £4.95. And, the sons of bitches, by the time Vernon got down after work to grab some, they were all gone.

"THOSE FUCKING GRAPES!" Vernon howled, coming into Joshua's cafe at ten 'o' clock in the evening.

Joshua, having just closed up his restaurant and getting ready to go to bed in his apartment above his cafe and restaurant burst out laughing.

"You're never going to get over this grapes, are you?" He asked Vernon, putting an arm around his shoulders.

"Never." Vernon stoutly promised.

"Maybe you should become a grape farmer..." Joshua suggested.

"In fucking Cambridge?" Vernon raised an eyebrow. "Pig's arse!"

Joshua collapsed to the floor, nearly pissing himself laughing. It was nice to see Vernon had the knack to make him laugh, even after Anna had come along. Joshua knew that people changed for no good reason all the time, but, a baby was a reason to change, if they didn't really need to. But, no, Vernon had always stayed the same. In a way, he seemed to have gotten even better.

"Dunno what I'd do if you and Anna didn't come into my shop making me laugh..." Joshua told Vernon. 


End file.
